Walk with grace...

This morning as i was coming to the end of a night shift one of my patients said to me, "you walk with grace." I thought it was an interesting choice of words, and i sincerely hope it is true.

The truth is that i wrestle with my frailty, and brokenness. With issues of injustice and abuse i don't always quite know how to deal with. With questions and complexities that not all would understand. With diminished health and physical restrictions. With unravelling a tangle of mess and with drawing lines, and with doing all this with grace.

But within all this i recognise there is choice, maybe not always within the happenings, but in my attitude and perspective, in the words i use, the decisions i make. In letting a heart soften and not harden, allowing it to grow and not be diminished, and in the way that i live it all.

May i live this life, all of it, walking with grace.

Proclaim freedom, release from darkness...

She must have been about 15, or 16 years old.
Came for prayer at the end of our womens event.
Just struggling she said, barely able to look at me.
In whispers so small i had to strain to hear.
Was there something specific i asked?
Eyes downcast she quietly mentioned eating and self harm.
I sensed something deeper, something more?
We prayed.
She stayed.
I wondered how to help.
Difficult to engage as she waited for friend.
Then i heard His whisper to me.
Did anything happen that made you start to feel like you do?
It started with a boyfriend i had.
We were going out and.
Long hesitation.
I waited.
Well he was going through some stuff.
And he talked to me but i didn't know what to do.
I told him to get help, i would come with him, do whatever he wanted.
I should have told someone.
I didn't know what to do.
But he told me if i ever told anyone he would go away and never return.
I didn't know what to do.
He stepped in front of a car.
On purpose, i asked?
I think so, she said.
I couldn't stop him.
Did you see it happen, i asked?
Yes, i had stopped to tie my shoe laces and looked up just as he was stepping out.
It was that split second.
It was too late and i couldn't stop him.
I feel like i should have.
Words tumble out.
It was not your fault.
She won't look at me.
I can still hear the screeching of the tyres.
People rushed over.
Then i heard the ambulance.
It's like it was all slow motion up until he was hit then everything sped up again.
It's not your fault, i repeat.
You are not to blame.
It is not your fault.
I crouch down so i can look into her eyes.
It is not your fault i repeat again.
The conversation continues, words exchanged, more dark brought into light.
More truth spoken.
I start to see some light in her eyes.
Start to see the flicker of smile.
See a realisation start to sink into her very being.
It is not your fault.
No-one has ever said that to me, she says.
It's true i tell her.
We talk some more.
She lives a couple hours away and tells me about the christian team that come into her school.
About a girl she has been getting to know.
Who she might now feel able to talk to about what she's been going through.

I think of Isaiah 61.
This is what i am called to.
And yet i cannot express what i feel.
To know this young girl has carried guilt and blame on herself.
That no-one has told her "it is not your fault".
(Maybe they have and she has been unable to hear).
That no-one has been able to walk the trauma of what she witnessed out with her.
(Maybe they have and she has not been ready).
That she has not been able to talk the experience out into light.
Not able to release the burdens she has carried.

I believe that today freedom has been proclaimed to the captive and release from darkness for the prisoner. May freedom and release find it's absolute fullness in this deeply cherished daughter of Your heart and may everlasting joy be her portion.

All is in hand...

All is in hand, in His hands.
I have peace.

Today i was brought back to clinic.
Unexpectedly.
Several weeks ago i was seen by consultant.
Biopsies taken during appointment.
Brought in for scans the following day.
Further biopsies taken.
And then results, thankfully seemed ok.
All in just over 3 weeks from start.
Follow up scan and appointment received for November.

Then a call from secretary to come back to an overbooked clinic.
Today and not November.
There had been a development on results.
Now a concern.
Today i was booked in for surgery.
A date in March.
Further investigations to follow.

But all is in hand, in His hands.
I have peace.

Be still, move on...

"As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD.
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground." Exodus 14:10, 13-16

Moses demonstrated godly leadership both of himself and the people around him as Egypt's army overtakes them at the Red Sea. In their anxiety, the multitude of Israelites distort the past and refuse to move forward. They prefer the miserable past to an unknown future with God.
Moses courageously stands alone and calls them to "be still" and to "move on." He picks up his staff and takes deliberate steps to move ahead. By remembering the Lord (being still), Moses courageously does what is best despite other people's lack of support (moving on). He models the delicate balance of "being still" while at the same time "moving on." In doing so, he transforms not only his own life, but the life of all those around him.

Everyone who draws breath "takes the lead" many times a day. We lead with actions that range from a smile to a frown; with words that range from blessing to curse; with decisions that range from faithful to fearful... When i resist thinking of myself as a leader, it is neither because of modesty nor a clear-eyed look at the reality of my life... I am responsible for my impact on the world whether i acknowledge it or not.
So what does it take to qualify as a leader? Being human and being here. As long as i am here, doing whatever i am doing, i am leading, for better or for worse. And, if i may say so, so are you.
-Parker Palmer

'Daily Office Remembering God's Presence Throughout The Day' Peter Scazzero

Forward...

'Forward. Moving forward.' These are the words i heard whispered into my heart as i was dropping off to sleep on new years eve. I hadn't been thinking about words or direction for the year ahead, that time for me had been carved out for this first week in January. But as i lay there i knew as clear as anything that this is what God was saying to me for 2012, that it will be a year of forward, of moving forward. I'm going to pray this week, and seek God. I'm going to continue to journey, but before i go any further this year i mark this journey with these words, so that i will remember and not forget. I move forward with Him.

Something out of nothing...

"In the beginning, the earth was formless and void, but that did not deter the Almighty. He looked into the fathomless depth of its darkness and concluded, "All it needs is light!" Likewise, in the beginning of our spiritual lives, we also are "formless and void" and God, just as confidently, is still saying, "All they need is a little light!" Remember: it's the Lord's responsibility to create and our
responsibility to submit to His creating.

The Lord only needs three things to fashion life. First, He needs a "nothing." The Almighty always begins His great, creative works with a "nothing" (this is very important because this is where we come in!). Then, His Spirit needs to be hovering over the "nothing." And, finally, He needs His Word, which is the "something" He's going to put in the "nothing's" place."

Francis Frangipane

Grandma...

Last Thursday evening i received a message from my aunt telling me that my Grandma's health had deteriorated, on Friday i woke to a message saying that she had died peacefully during the night. On Friday evening i booked my flight so that i could be there for the funeral, to be present among family, to remember and to grieve our own losses together.

I did not know my Grandma well, geographical distance separated us, as did the complexities of life and family situations. But she was still my Grandma, part of the heritage my life has been blessed with. My Grandma served God alongside our Grandad for many years in faithful missionary service. She was an active woman, always preferring to be a participant rather than an observer. I remember many times she joined in with an activity, running around and being involved, even in her old age. I remember she had spirit, she liked to be a part of everything. I remember visiting her home and of a living room filled with many many photographs of family and grandchildren, grandparents who prayed faithfully for us all, this a blessing.

Over the past years my Grandma had become increasingly frail in body and mind, she is now free again. We buried her with my Grandad, on whose tombstone following his name and dates it simply reads 'Missionary to Japan.' This is a heritage of Grandparents who loved and served God but i felt sad that there was no reference to family, that their life was summed up simply by their service, for there were chasms in relationships. I felt sad that my own parents were too far away to be there, that this cycle is seemingly being perpetuated through another generation. It was a comfort to be among family, some of who simply know and understand, because they have felt the same and have been journeying their own ways through. It was good for many of us to be together in that time as opportunities for togetherness are often few and far between. It was good to talk and share heart, to be known and understood, to be accepted and loved, simply for being me, dirt and grace and all.

I thank God for His faithfulness to me, to my family, to my Grandma. He has been so gracious and merciful, so full of compassion and love. He makes no mistake, His plans are perfect - i am blessed!

Pass through...

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca [weeping],
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools [blessings].
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion."
Psalm 84:5-7

They pass through, and they make it...

This passage is one i have been holding onto as i have been journeying in this place. My place of intimacy is my place of strength. My pilgrimage must be to the place of His Presence, to the place of His heart. As it says, "How lovely is your dwelling place, LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God" (Psalm 84:1-2).

Although i would not say that this place has been a valley of weeping, it has been a place of restriction and limitation, of trouble, frustration, struggle, and wrestling. But what i love about this passage is that they pass through, it is not a place for settling. And it is not a place simply to be endured, but one to make into a place of flourishing, a place that will bring refreshing, a place in which blessings will be found.

I will not settle here, it is not my place to dwell, but to pass through. And so it is that although this may be a journey through a valley, all is well and all will be well, and these are indeed good days!

My future arises out of my present...

They say that this is a condition from which you don't recover, in which the best you can hope for is a life of remission followed by relapse.

I say NO!

I believe that there will be a better day to come, that in a day to come i will look back and say that this was something i walked through but is now no more. I see sparkling waters, the clear breath of spring air. In a day to come i will run again, run free. And although i have not run for over 2 years now, and while it may not be tomorrow, or next month, i will run again!

In January i heard God saying "good days lie ahead." Recently a friend spoke these words that i had shared with her back to me, that good days lie ahead. And she is right. Good days do lie ahead. But the truth is that these also are the good days. God is in them, He is in me, He is with me and He is working through them. There have been precious times amidst the hard. He is doing somehing in me through these days that without these particular challanges, without the need for a faith tested, i would not have known, would not have grown.

"Do not wait for circumstances to improve before you think about your future. Your future arises out of your present responses." Graham Cooke

This is a principle that has been in my heart, that i've been seeking to live purposefully by in this season. As God reminded me at the start of the year, the wise woman builds her house, it's the little decisions that are made in the day to day of life, the perspective we choose, the habits we form, the words we use, the truth we hold fast to. As Graham says, our present responses, to our current circumstances will ultimately make us who we are. In the happenings of our present, the future is being formed. It will not always be like this but i choose to live in the moment while looking to the future He has for me.

"Being confident of this that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

All is well, and all will be well...

And so it was that after many long months of praying, of pressing through, of hanging on, of looking for the break, of waiting, of just getting on with it, that i found myself sitting across from the specialist consultant, discussing my physical health. I had done all i knew to do, but things were getting worse. As things worsened, so the investigations began in earnest.

But this is the word i had, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). And i know it's the enemy that wants to steal from me, to restrict, confine and destroy me, but Jesus came to give me life, a full and abundant life. I wasn't seeing it but i knew that what i had was not my portion. My portion is life and joy, hope and future, peace and Presence. I look to Jesus for He is the healer and restorer of my life.

I stand on His word and Psalm 103:1-5 says,
"Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."

And i remember that He was making a way, even before i knew the path i was treading. I heard Him, i heard the specifics and i stepped out to reduce my hours at work, not knowing the journey ahead. And now i see a little more clearly, He was making the way for me and i am filled with awe and confidence and i know that all is well and all will be well (even when physically it is not). As i sat with the consultant, i was diagnosed and prognosed, and after i had left the room i sat in my car, i bowed my head and my heart towards God and was reminded that i don't need to accept all that was spoken over me in that time, i can stand on the word of truth that will save me.

Because the truth is that He has forgiven all my sins, He has healed all my diseases, He has redeemed my life from the pit and crowned me with love and compassion and He has satisfied my desires with good things... my journey right now is walking my way into what He has done, and while it may be taking longer than i would like, the journey is good. The fact that it has also been a difficult road does not take away from the the fact that it is good.

John 10 talks about the sheep, they know His voice and i find my heart kept in that place of intimacy. I see that when times are hard and we are trudging through the valley or walking in a dark place, that is when we really learn what is in our hearts, where our faith is, who our trust is in, where we are growing in Him, and where we are not. These things are seen most clearly in the hard places, and if we will humbly come to Him to learn of Him, we will become like the one we behold in it. Our roots can grow deep, we can find strength, we can be "transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18).

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion."
Psalm 84:5-7

By the grace of God i will pass through and go from strength to strength for "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26.