She must have been about 15, or 16 years old.
Came for prayer at the end of our womens event.
Just struggling she said, barely able to look at me.
In whispers so small i had to strain to hear.
Was there something specific i asked?
Eyes downcast she quietly mentioned eating and self harm.
I sensed something deeper, something more?
We prayed.
She stayed.
I wondered how to help.
Difficult to engage as she waited for friend.
Then i heard His whisper to me.
Did anything happen that made you start to feel like you do?
It started with a boyfriend i had.
We were going out and.
Long hesitation.
I waited.
Well he was going through some stuff.
And he talked to me but i didn't know what to do.
I told him to get help, i would come with him, do whatever he wanted.
I should have told someone.
I didn't know what to do.
But he told me if i ever told anyone he would go away and never return.
I didn't know what to do.
He stepped in front of a car.
On purpose, i asked?
I think so, she said.
I couldn't stop him.
Did you see it happen, i asked?
Yes, i had stopped to tie my shoe laces and looked up just as he was stepping out.
It was that split second.
It was too late and i couldn't stop him.
I feel like i should have.
Words tumble out.
It was not your fault.
She won't look at me.
I can still hear the screeching of the tyres.
People rushed over.
Then i heard the ambulance.
It's like it was all slow motion up until he was hit then everything sped up again.
It's not your fault, i repeat.
You are not to blame.
It is not your fault.
I crouch down so i can look into her eyes.
It is not your fault i repeat again.
The conversation continues, words exchanged, more dark brought into light.
More truth spoken.
I start to see some light in her eyes.
Start to see the flicker of smile.
See a realisation start to sink into her very being.
It is not your fault.
No-one has ever said that to me, she says.
It's true i tell her.
We talk some more.
She lives a couple hours away and tells me about the christian team that come into her school.
About a girl she has been getting to know.
Who she might now feel able to talk to about what she's been going through.
I think of Isaiah 61.
This is what i am called to.
And yet i cannot express what i feel.
To know this young girl has carried guilt and blame on herself.
That no-one has told her "it is not your fault".
(Maybe they have and she has been unable to hear).
That no-one has been able to walk the trauma of what she witnessed out with her.
(Maybe they have and she has not been ready).
That she has not been able to talk the experience out into light.
Not able to release the burdens she has carried.
I believe that today freedom has been proclaimed to the captive and release from darkness for the prisoner. May freedom and release find it's absolute fullness in this deeply cherished daughter of Your heart and may everlasting joy be her portion.